This weekend we went on a choir retreat. It was a time that we could spend together to get to know one another and to learn some of our music. We went to Blowing Rock Conference Center. It turned out to be a great experience in my opinion, not just for the fellowship with other choir members, but because of the musical experience. I'm sorry for those of you who are routine readers of my blog and have no particular interest in music, because I'm about to let go! All music pulls at me in some way, some types make me want to dance, some challenges me harmonically and rhythmically, some put me to sleep, and other pieces...choral music in particular can bring me to my knees. For something to be so powerful, that I find myself holding my breath while I'm listening is an incredible feeling. Grant it, there are some heart stopping performances in the choral world, but it seems to me that the magic really happens in rehearsal. We're all together learning pieces, exchanging views on what the text means, and how the notes paint the text. Many times after we talk about what the text means to us personally, the sound changes, because our hearts change. Today at choir retreat we started on a piece entitled "I Am Not Yours." The recording is playing on my blog page. The text is as follows:
I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.
You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.
Oh plunge me deep in love - put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in the rushing wind.
-Sara Teasdale
Our general interpretation is that the woman who wrote the poem is talking about a man being deeply in love with her, but she, for whatever reason, cannot love him like she should...although she wants to. Maybe it's just not right, and the feelings aren't there? ...Or perhaps something tragic happened in her past that made her incapable to completely let go and love? In the music, the sopranos and tenors are saying "lost as a candle...etc" while the altos and bass are saying "I am a candle." A friend of mine mentioned that he felt like the sopranos and tenors are the woman, talking about being lost, but the bass and altos are saying I am a candle, I am a snowflake...etc...like he's there pleading and saying, I will be those things for you. This piece is absolutely heart wrenching.
We sang through it a few times, but after we stopped and talked about what it meant, everything about it changed. The sounds, the passion, the expression on the faces of the singers. It made it come to life. I was at Mars Hill Choral Clinic this past Feb. which is a choral festival for exceptional singers at the high school level. They did this piece, and their director was absolutely incredible. In the rehearsal he had the choir members to come off of the stage and circle around the auditorium holding hands...he had one girl start at the back of the auditorium and when the singing started she slowly made her way to him at the front on the podium. Throughout the entire song, their eyes stayed locked on one another. Truly one of the most powerful things I've ever seen. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. Music educators from across the state, and students alike were in tears.
Things like this...experiences and emotions...and the irreplaceable value, meaning and power of music are what keeps me going. It's so easy to get caught up in the technicalities of music ...especially as a music student...but then something like this happens and reminds me and others alike that it's the heart that is the driving force behind it all. A friend of mine who is not particularly religious said in reference to a beautiful and touching piece once that that's when she feels God, to hear music like that, how could you ever doubt it? Of course, there are other wonderful and amazing reminders to us that he is always there, but right now I am particularly thankful for the vast array of music that he has put into our lives. There is a quote that I have always loved:
"Bach gave us God's Word. Mozart gave us God's laughter. Beethoven gave us God's fire. God gave us Music that we might pray without words." -unknown
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